I never dated in high school and I forwent college in my 20's to settle down and have babies. It's only the past couple of years that I have been in the dating world, and while I still have a lot to figure out about myself and about men, I have had some revelations.
*The easier we are, the lazier they are.
Sure, sure, our culture is different. Courting is not so much a thing anymore and we have grown up in an instant gratification society. There are so many factors that go into this, including sometimes we are all just down for a good time. That's ok, but I'm not talking about those instances. I'm talking specifically to the women who are out there looking for love (wookin' pa nub), not just sex. I'm just beginning to understand why this is such a big deal, and here's the thing: if a guy is just looking for sex and you give it up right away, he will not be attentive to who you are. If you don't give it up and he still calls, maybe he actually likes you. I have seen guys on the prowl straight up hit on every girl in the place, making his way at one point or another to me. Sorry. We need to own that we are special, and if we allow ourselves to be treated otherwise, we send the message to ourselves and men that we are not. If we are looking for more than a sexual partner, it's important to get to know someone. It's important for them to show some effort towards getting to know us. I don't mean to be old fashioned, and I like physical attention and compliments as much as the next girl, but I want someone to see me....as a person, not a pussy. The ones who deserve it are the ones who show real respect and interest in the person that you are. If he wants more than sex from you, he will stick around to know more, ya hear? When we give it up so easily, he will try less, not only with us, but with the next girl. We are already in a downward spiral of men who don't know how to treat a lady. How will they learn if we don't hold a standard, yah??? YAAAAAHHHH!
*Ditch the expectations.
Guys are not the brightest bulbs when it comes to women. They are not supposed to be, and if he's too good at wooing you, he probably has lots of practice! While above I talk about higher standards, here I will talk about lowering them. Disney ruined it for us. Hollywood has us thinking true love is something that no man can live up to. You be damn lucky if he sends you flowers after one date (guys who read this.....if you like her, why the hell not?!). Don't expect it and don't jump to conclusions when he doesn't. Guys have as much insecurity as we do about shit..."does she like me?"..."is it too soon to call?" blahdyblahblah. Games. We get so caught up in our heads and tend to make it all about us. While I have yet to find a man who I wish to have a long term partnership with, I have learned that if I appreciate what I have for what it is and don't expect anything else, it's better for everyone. His actions may have nothing to do with you, and if they do....you'll know eventually! Chill out.
*Take a little time to study men.
There are some self help books out there addressing men and women's differences. It's worth a look. You cannot, I repeat, cannot treat a man like one of your girls. If you are about to send a text that is a paragraph outlining every detail....try to pair it down to a sentence. Men don't need or want all of the details. The simpler the better. The lower the pressure, the better. I'm not suggesting you pretend anything, just keep yourself in check. As women, we have a way of getting ahead of ourselves. That shit freaks men out. Just be choosy how much of yourself you share right off the bat, in the physical, emotional and spiritual realms. If this is your man, the one, then shit...you got a lifetime to get to know each other. There are whole books written on this shit and I'm a baby in this dating world, so I will just leave this at that.
Don't wait to make plans with ya girlfriends in case dude calls. If he hasn't called you by Wednesday, go 'head and make those weekend plans. If he's waiting until 9 p.m. Friday night to make Friday night plans with you, then I'm sorry honey, you are a last resort. I've been last resort girl, and it sucks. You know what sucks worse?.....being home alone on a Friday night because he resorted to something/someone else and you waited like a desperate fat kid for seconds. Boo. Do what makes you happy. Follow your passions.These will always be there to uplift you; don't neglect them! Hit up your girls...chances are they will be by your side for longer than he will, unless you get uber blessed and find you some husband material. In that case....he better love your girls, cause they still be filling needs no man ever can! The biggest part of doing YOU, my dear sisters, is LOVING you. You won't be so shaken by what he does or doesn't do, says or doesn't say, if you are confident in the amazing woman that you are. The right man will see that, and he will be attracted to the fact that you don't depend on him to know it. And, uh, men.....don't be shy. Tell her how freakin' amazing she is (it will help you to that punani a bit faster, I guarantee).
This last point is the most important advice I could ever give anyone, regardless of any situation. Our reality is shaped by our choices. No one else will go for our dreams and hand them to us. Sometimes this takes work....hard, painful work to overcome those boundaries we've set for ourselves. We need the confidence and faith to propel ourselves forward. No man can do this for us, and the kind of man we want is the kind of man who is attracted to the fact that we got our own backs; that we don't need them to feel a certain way about ourselves, but that we want to share ourselves with them. Be choosy! Love yourself! Go get it!