Here she sits...

She is a strong woman

who walks with her head high

and her heart open to the sky.

When she's feelin' it

she's got her switch on

and the energy pours from her heart and smile

to the world around her.

She knows it is God-given

and alive in every being.

As much as she wishes she could be always happy

she knows life does not work that way

and that off times bring necessary experience to this life.

She knows how confidence and faith

have a way of taking the back seat at times

and this particular 3 o'clock in the morning

is one of those times.

Thank goodness they haven't left the vehicle

But she prefer them to be driving.

Here she sits

in the place she has made her home

knowing it is under jeopardy.

Here she sits

knowing what good people are in her life

yet still her burdens are her own.

Here she sits

with the realization

that people are there

when it is convenient for them,

and what else can or should she expect?

She figures the sooner she can rely only on herself

the better.

This is scary for a girl who has always been taken care of,

going from her parents directly to a husband

and now on her own.

Here she sits,

while her precious sons slumber away in the next room

and she weighs what is best for them

vs.

what is best for her.

She hopes those paths converge.

Here she sits

wondering if what she is seeking

is for all the right reasons;

wondering if what she has found

is real

or perhaps she is convincing herself,

distracting herself.

Here she sits,

knowing she is too good to be bubbling away

on anyone's back burner, 

yet allowing herself to do so,

hoping she will not get burned,

and expecting that she will,

all at once.

All she knows is that

these experiences are bringing lessons

that need to be learned,

and she accepts that, 

even if they, at times, bring pain.

She is on her own,

and it is so, so good

and so, so hard;

scary and enlightening.

She hasn't felt this herself in years and years,

......or ever.

Validation makes itself known in this process

and she knows it's right.

As she is forced into many big decisions,

she attempts to drown out the opinions and fears

of those voices around her

and listen to the one within.

She knows we all have our filters

and triggers 

and her stepping out of

mainstream practicality might trigger fear in others.

The 'what-if's' can get so loud

for such a sensitive girl.

She seeks those who lift her and believe in her

even if they may not agree with her.

That heart-voice will not lead her wrong,

even if the path laid out is bumpy and winding.

She has two sons to guide

and she looks to the sky for guidance

knowing it is only her heart,

and God within it

that can tell her what is right.

She knows things will unfold

in a beautiful, if messy, way.

Life is complex.

She is complex.

And it's all ok:

the sadness,

the  joy,

the fear,

the faith, 

the love,

the heartbreak,

all of it makes up this rich experience

that is her life. 

She knows the only way out of the challenges

is to walk through them.

Here she goes.

"Security"

The house is quiet. My boys are with their father for the weekend. Outside, the sky is grey and heavy and here I sit, still in bed with my laptop, letting these thoughts pour from my head and heart out of my fingertips onto this page, where they will eventually be read by you. These days my thoughts are largely centered around letting go, trusting, manifesting, and following my heart even though the outside noise threatens to damper what I know is right for me.

You see, in the past year I have been pushed to let go of the main areas in life that gave me physical security: my marriage, financial support (from said marriage), and now my home. I am planning to let go of my job teaching preschool (or at least go to part time teaching) to return to school. As it stands now, I don't know where this will lead my boys and I. I have a few ideas and I will act toward them and see which path the good Lord opens for me, but I know that none of them will be easy, as each path involves major changes for us. A move is bound to happen, which is exciting, but also scary and sad. We have lived in this house for 10 years. My younger son was born here. We have built a life here. My children's father is set up in this valley and my kids have grown up here and attended their same school all their lives. They have a good life, but does change mean that they won't? Things will look different, and no doubt it will be hard, but I trust that these experiences will contribute to the amazing adults they will become.

This sense of security I cannot let keep me stagnant if the universe is pushing me to expand. I think that we can mistake comfort for security. Extending beyond our comfort zone is so hard, but I have reaped the rewards of it and I trust my children will too. There is simply no way of avoiding the grief that accompanies letting go of something. Most of us try to avoid that and shelter our children from it. Of course I do not like feeling grief, but I am unafraid of it. I realize it is a natural part of life, and brings gifts of growth, wisdom. The beautiful thing is that when we let go of something, we make room for something else, often times something better and more fulfilling.

I realize that I am a mother to these amazing boys who need security and stability, but security and stability can look different than our mainstream way of thinking about it. My children have two parents that love them and want what's best for them. I also want to show them what it looks like to follow their passions, push beyond fear, and forge ahead with full faith that God will lead us where we need to be......and that may not look like a normal American lifestyle! Who says following my heart will not be what is best for my children? We have this idea that parenting is only about sacrifice. While it's true that we do, and should, sacrifice for our children, it does not mean that following one's heart has to be made into a selfish decision. What better gift to give our children, but to show them the meaning of faith by fearlessly following one's passion?

How is it that we were raised to revere figures such as Jesus Christ, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr., etc., yet when it comes to actually following the footsteps of these radical social change makers, we are discouraged? Fear gets in the way and we cannot fathom one giving away everything to serve the poor, or speaking out against injustice even if it means putting one's life at risk. I'm not saying that either of these are my path now, while I have young boys, but it is this kind of thinking, this kind of throwing it all to the wind to follow God's call that I want to be the focus of my life. This is the best gift I can give my children, this faith that what God calls us to cannot lead us wrong. How I wish those who love me could share that faith, and instead focus on the love rather than fear. I wish I, myself, could constantly maintain that faith and trust. I will continue to call on it, pray for it, until it covers me.

Until then, I will ebb and flow with the uncertainty that is my life at the moment. There will be times where I am overcome with grief to let this chapter of my life slip away, and more often, there will be times where I am looking to the future with bright hopes of fulfilling my dreams. I will trust that the path I choose will also be what is best for my children. I will continue to look for the everyday miracles that surround me at any moment. Life is good, and hard, and scary, and beautiful, and, and, and......

Six word Friday-Looking forward

A forest in front of me

As far as eyes can see

So many trails to pick from

I choose which one will be

Obstacles clutter each and every way

Still a promise; a brighter day

There's this pull in my heart

Where fear can not possibly sway

On this path, I walk along

Embracing the gifts in being 'wrong'

Hoping 'right' will find me more

Throughout, I will sing my song

Knowing not what tomorrow will hold

Finding warmth when I am cold

Keeping eyes on the bigger picture

I am brave. I am bold

God and angels do accompany me

Together here, in sorrow and glee

Helping me to let it go

Helping me to let it be

Future is bright, this I know

Shining with it's ever promising glow

Blessed am I, in this life

Made to shine, made to grow

Naropa, Africa, Music, Peace and Love

I will experience all the above

God as wind under these wings

I will soar, sings the dove

(Six word Fridays-visit Melissa's blog.)

Feeling Good -Nina Simone (Lyrics)

Lover of thy soul

A stranger to thine eyes

A lover of thy soul

A bind that ever ties

Beyond our mere control

A heart that's infiltrated

Where secrets cannot hide

To be emancipated

To face thy foolish pride

Tears, they streak her cheeks

Full of beauty and of wonder

Touching one who seeks

Repentance for her blunder

Is there such a thing as too much heart?

She asks herself this often

Perhaps she is not being smart

Allowing it to soften

Mother, sister, daughter, friend,

Of all these things is she

These heavy winds, they make her bend

And whisper 'let it be'

Let it be a beautiful mess

Swirling in this heart

Until a path is clear for her

Until she knows her part

Let it be the pain and joy

That dance around together

To a greater purpose

Her consciousness she'll tether

All in all she is part of the all

And wishes to escape naught

With each emotion that will rise and fall

Wisdom will be brought

This life is good and hard at once

At this she is amazed

One minute can be colorless

The next be fully blazed

The heart is here to give and serve

Of this she is convinced

From this she knows she cannot swerve

Even when dreams feel minced

A trust in the greater workings of God

This she knows she'll carry

Fear and pain will come to prod

To God her soul she'll marry

Oh, lover of thy soul!

Oh, stranger to thine eyes!

Beyond our mere control

Is a bind that ever ties.

Boy crazy

Nope, not that kind of boy crazy.

I am the mother of boys. They drive me crazy; crazy with love, crazy with the hilarity that comes out of their mouths, crazy with how much they eat, how messy they are, the wrestling, the sticks, the pee, AH!.... all the boyness. BOYNESS!

I was noticing several things that we boy mamas have to deal with and thought it would be funny to record some of it. Although it makes this mama crazy, I can also sit back and laugh at it. Here goes.

You know you are a mother to boys when.......

1. Everything that could even slightly resemble a weapon becomes one: knitting needles, crochet hooks, chopsticks, sticks, pencils, clothes pins, mallets, drum sticks, and on and on and on. Do I even need to say that all these 'weapons' come with sound effects? Oh....and they usually don't get put back to their original spot unless it's by me, or ordered by me.

2. You could clean your toilet every single day and your bathroom will still smell like pee.

3. Wrestling is, like, a 5+ times a day activity, and often times ends with little one crying.

4. You have karate masters even if they may have never taken karate in their lives.

5. Finding sticks in your house and car despite the 'sticks stay outside' rule does not surprise you one bit.

6. You cannot keep enough food in the house to keep up with their appetites and they cannot seem to keep food off the floor while eating.

7. Bath time is often met with resistance, and smelling bad doesn't seem to bother them.

8. All the clothes you neatly put away in their room are suddenly all over the floor after they have dressed themselves. Likewise, dirty clothes can't seem to find their way to the hamper, no matter how many reminders you have given them.

9. Teasing is like a sport that they each like to dish out, accompanied by hilarious laughter while the other is crying and/or whining, but that when on the receiving end handle it with physical violence or a "mooooooooooooooooom!.....so and so is doing such and such"

10. You are tired of the sound of your own voice saying things such as "skateboards outside!"..."I asked you 3 times already to put the dishes away!"..."wash your hands"......"Now you can sweep up all those chips"..... "My knitting yarn is not supposed to be used for that!"...."That is not how you talk to your mother".....and on, and on, and on, and on....

I love these boys and wouldn't trade 'em for anything. AND they drive me bananas.

Letting go

As this year draws to a close, I look back on it with pure amazement. It has entailed a lot of letting go, which is good. Hard, but good. It seems the ultimate goal in this life is to be able to detach ourselves from the expectations of things being a certain way; letting go and finding the joy in each moment despite the suffering that is also always there. Life is fluid; always changing. 2011 has held plenty of opportunity in the 'letting go' department, and it doesn't seem to be waning. While I do hope this next year isn't quite as intense on my heart, I expect letting go to be a lesson that visits me throughout my life.

This past year started with the release of my marriage. We had been respectful, good partners to each other who unfortunately never had what it takes to thrive....shared passion. While the dissolution of our family unit was sad for us all, it has been validating that we made the right move. It was a long time coming, so to finally walk through that fire has been healing for the both of us. I have faith that good things will come in to replace that which I release. I'm not sure what state I would be in now if it weren't for that faith.

Our spring was hard. The boys were missing their dad being here with us, I was battling all sorts of feelings about his rapid jumping into another relationship; feelings surrounding how I felt about it and how it was affecting my kids. I was deciding whether or not I would relocate back to MN to be near family, and it was such a relief to be done with school in June and hit the road.

After my separation, I started to become re inspired by things I had let go of for the sake of practicality and compromise. I was able to travel to Zimbabwe, a land long ago laid on my heart. This experience was all I had hoped for and opened me up to what is possible for me. It was the first time I had left my kids for more than a couple days. They did fine between their father and grandparents and it was good for me to be independent of them....something that until this year was so rare. Since becoming a mother at 20, I heavily identified myself as that, which is great, except I forgot that I was more. Looking to my future, I know I must be careful to balance that mothering piece as I plan to return to school, travel, and potentially relocate.

The fall found us back in Colorado, after a summer of traveling adventures. I started another school year teaching preschool and my kids are with their same classes. We have found healing in our new family dynamic and are making due with a financial crisis that struck with their dad losing his job in July. There are many unknowns for us and I continue to focus on what opportunities may arise out of these losses.

Finding myself back in the dating world has been fun and exciting and disappointing and depressing. Ha! Sounds about right, yes? I didn't date at all, really, before I met my husband at 19, so it's all new to me. At 31, I have more of a  handle on who I am, only now I come with two kids and somewhat unstable circumstances! My love life has been so limited, so I have welcomed these few new experiences with the hope that it won't take me many before finding someone I can grow together with. I have already had some heartache and questioning of myself, but with matters of love I believe that is somewhat unavoidable. Yes, more lessons in letting go, some easier than others.

This next year approaches with plans to keep taking classes, teaching dance, collaborating with other local entertainers to put on a kids for kids fundraiser for Zimbabwe, going back to Zimbabwe over the summer, and hopes that I can go back to school full time next fall. I have to realize, though, that these are just my plans and I must continue to let go of what doesn't work, find the lessons in it, and keep moving forward.

So many changes are on my horizon. So much letting go that still needs to happen and I know it isn't, and won't be, easy, but will reap great rewards and not take from the value of what was. I leave you with this lovely quote and many blessings for a bright new year!

There's a trick to the Graceful Exit.
It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage,
a relationship is over - and to let go.
It means leaving what's over without denying its value.
- Ellen Goodman