a tribute on Memorial Day

31 May 2010

I didn't know him well.

He was a was a friend of my brother's.

I graduated with his brother,

their 3 sisters trailing behind in age.

He grew up just on the other side of the park.

His parents owned the hardware store in our tiny town.

He married his high school sweet heart

and settled down in that same tiny town.

I always remember him being kind, gentle, soft spoken.

He was in a terrible car crash just the other day,

with his two small children.

His infant son survived.

He and his 3 year old daughter did not.

His wife will likely never know it,

or feel it,

but my heart goes out to her, breaks for her.

I know these things happen every day.

Children die unjustly each day.

It breaks my heart.

There is just something, however, 

about someone you physically have known

leaving their body.

It makes it more real that we really can be

here today, gone tomorrow.

I almost never think that when I load up my kids in the car

that it will be the last time.

We cannot grasp when, how,

why.

It is not our job, or within our capacity

to grasp it, 

but it is our nature to continue to ask, 

to seek.

While my prayers go out to this family

in my very Minnesota home town,

they also go out to all those 

I know not,

who are experiencing loss and grief.

May God wrap you in a loving embrace.

This moment

{this moment}-A Friday ritual. A single photo-no words-capturing a moment from the week. A simple,special,extraordinary moment. Inspired by Soulemama's blog.

God has a plan

26 May 2010

As I sit inhaling my lunch as well as A Thousand Sisters by Lisa Shannon, 

Tears roll down my face.

I inhale, my breath aquiver

And I trust that God has a plan for me.

I have not been drawn to Africa for 15 years for nothing.

My heart is not aching for these strangers of the motherland for no reason.

Africa calls me.

She is connected to me,

Whether or not my feet ever touch her soil.

I do not ache for the world for the sake of being sad.

There is purpose in my sadness,

In my anger,

In my passion.

There has to be. 

In the moments I feel helpless,

God whispers to me that I am not.

I may not be able to bring home babies to join my family right now.

I may not be able to travel to this place that tugs at my heart this year.

Or next.

Or ever.

But I am not helpless.

Perhaps my words to my Representatives are lost in a sea of requests.

Perhaps my art postcard won't stand out like I hope and think it will 

Amongst thousands of emails and faxed white paper.

Maybe Intel doesn’t give a shit that I won’t buy their products no mo’

Until they commit to funding conflict free minerals in the Congo.

I cringe at the idea of the laptop I am typing on 

Or the cell phone I am chatting on 

May contain "blood minerals." 

Maybe that doesn't mean that I will just go without modern technology,

But rather bring attention to the public

And lobby these companies to commit to conflict free.

How can they ignore thousands of letters from their consumers?

My efforts just might be in vain.

Does that mean that I should cease making an effort?

How could I?

I shall take the risk

Of being the damper on a perfectly lovely day

When I speak up for the voiceless,

The toils that many would rather not know about

Because knowing is just so heavy.

Perhaps we can be aware, speak up,

And enjoy our blessed lives all at once.

My voice may quiver and shake when I speak up in a crowd

But the alternative of not doing means

I am not following what my heart is telling me to do.

I hope my passion and love speak louder than the shaking in my voice.

These women in Congo

They may never know how much I really care.

The boys in Uganda

Will likely never know I exist,

That I wrote my largest paper last semester 

About child soldiers in Africa.

That I cried while I researched

That I ache to go there

And share my love,

Although I have no idea

What it's like to live through such atrocities.

The AIDS orphans in South Africa, Zimbabwe, Ethiopia, 

They don't know I would love to be a mother to them.

As I sit at my computer

I want to do it all.

I want to scoop up the world in a loving embrace

And tell them all that God has a plan.

Does someone who's been through such hell want to hear such words

From a privileged American?

Does someone who lives a privileged life

Want to hear of such atrocities in the world?

Do I speak based on what people want to hear?

I wade through the waters of what is an acceptable

Or welcomed conversation.

Does God really have a plan for me, for them?

It comforts me to hear it, even during the times I don't feel it.

Even when I am hopeless and feeling helpless,

I have to believe it. 

Because there is no downside in believing it.

peaches

I'm on board again this week with Soulemama's Friday ritual. I'm not one to keep on board much with these things, but here's week two of this moment. We went to a farm with my son's third grade class and got to see the beginnings of my favorite fruit, coming to fruition. mmmmmmmmmm.

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see. 

Wishing you a lovely weekend!

My love is like a circle......

18 May, 2010

"My love is like a circle," this is what I tell my kids, when I'm not telling them I love them as big as the whole universe, or that they will never know how much I love them, because they will never be a mother.

Motherhood is as close as we can get to loving unconditionally. We put conditions on just about every other relationship there is, but our kids, oh our kids......we love them no matter. No matter what my kids excel at or not, I will be proud of them. Nothing they do or don't do could make me love them any less. It's just how it is.

This mothering gig is such an incredible blessing and opportunity that can at times be so hard. It's not the never ending laundry pile or legos in every nook and cranny that I am talking about, although those things can be overwhelming too. It's the living up to our own expectations of "perfect mother" that can wear me to tears of despair. I want to be it all; the patient, kind, crafty, on-top-of-it-all mom who always sings her kids into transition and only ever raises her voice in times where there could be danger. 

But alas, there is no perfect mom. I yell at my kids, and have even been outright mean to them when I've been in a tizzy. One thing I know for sure though, is that my kids know how fiercely I love them (well as much as they can know, not being a mom and all). I make sure they know I am human, incapable of perfection, as much as I desperately want it. They know that I make mistakes....a lot of them, but that I am an open vessel, willing and wanting to change and grow into the better me that I know exists and badly wants to dominate the scene. I make sure they know that when I do have times where I crumble and act heinous, that it taints not the vast amount of love I have for them. I let them know I need forgiveness, that I need strength, that I am aware of how imperfect I am, that I feel the repercussions of my losing it perhaps more than they do. They hear me apologize to them, tell them how much I love them and they hear me ask for help; help from them to work together with me to make our transitions flow better; help from above and strength from within to overcome my unhealthy patterns. It is that which I hope they remember more than the actual flaws. 

My kids will have their own unhealthy patterns that they took on from me or their papa and I can't stop that. I hope and pray that when they see me own my faults, pray for help, work on them and talk them through, that it will have a big impact on them. I pray that they will have acceptance for their own faults as well as the will to overcome them. The unconditional love for myself (or my husband for that matter!) does not come near as easy as the unconditional love for my children. I can see my kids struggling to love themselves and I find that this might be my biggest challenge; to show them how to self love. I can pack waste free lunches and give time and money to charity all day long as a way of setting good examples, but if they still see me struggle to love myself, they take it in on some level. 

This mothering business, it brings up for us so much more than our relationship to our children. That's part of what makes it so hard and so beautiful. We are being catapulted into growth. We want to grow and be the best version of ourselves for the sake of them. When we choose growth, as a path to our better selves, we have to face our demons. Sometimes it's just easier to just put a bandaid on our wounds, rather than cleaning it out for it to heal properly. The trouble is, then it never really heals, it just gives the illusion of "better" until the bandaid is ripped off and the wound is actually bigger. Sometimes these wounds that are not taken care of turn to something bigger; ulcers, anxiety, depression, addictions. 

I'm searching for divine balance between loathing myself for my unhealthy patterns as a means to actually stop doing them and loving and accepting myself right where I am.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Love makes accepting easier. Love and gentleness with myself will get me farther than self loathing will, and it will set a better example for my sweet boys, whom I want to be gentle with themselves, to love themselves, to embrace their gifts and forgive their faults. I need to mother myself. I need to make my love for myself like a circle. Never ending and always returning.

Finally

17 May 2010

I get to say adios to these guys......

....and HELLO to these guys.....

Myself and my plants are not the only happy ones it's finally warmed up around here...

Have I introduced you to sir bunnypants aka black eye pea aka bunbun? 

He's our super lovable house rabbit (litter trained, cat cohabiting and all) who enjoys being held like a baby and also adores outside time to eat dandy greens....lucky boy!

Goodbye dryer, Hello sunshine!

Here in Colorado, this spring has been even more delayed than usual. We are all so happy to welcome summer, gardening, swimming, our annual trip to Minnesota, tans, grill outs and all the social perks that come with people not hibernating. 

Happy Spring!

Sweetness captured

I'm hopping on board this week with those friends who participate in Soulemama's Friday ritual. I can't promise that I will continue every Friday, but you neva know....

{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see. 

Wishing you a lovely weekend!

Torn

14 May 2010

" I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." ~Elwyn Brooks White

I saw this quote from a friend and it resonated. Story of my life. I am so blessed, there is so much good and beauty in the world and I want to bask in it. I see the new buds changing into fragrant blossoms. I see the way a mother looks at her new baby and how that babe reaches up to touch his mothers face while he nurses. I see the children laugh and play, ignorant to the suffering of the world, not quite grown up enough to expand beyond their own realities. Here in the mountains of Colorado, the grass is green, spring is in full effect, my children are healthy and safe, loved and fed. What more could I ask for?......that every mother be blessed as I am.

The suffering that is taking place each moment is as real as the beauty that takes place in each moment. Thank goodness we have so much good in the world, it can be easy to forget. While my son plays happily in my safe yard, in my safe town, there is a boy his age elsewhere being neglected, perhaps starving. I am somewhat self conscious about being so morose about the state of the world, as not every person wants to engage in a conversation about the war in the Congo. In reality, I don't want the woes of the world to consume my every thought, my every conversation, but I am ok with it consuming enough of them to light a fire inside of me and use my privileged situation to give others the opportunity to be aware, to do what they can to raise awareness, even if the only thing in them is a prayer or a tweet or a, ahem, blog post.

What I mean by "privileged situation" is that we have choices; something I know is rare for women in many parts of the world. The fact that we get to choose where to work, whether or not to go to school, who to marry, whether or not to have children and how many, is a bigger blessing than many of us realize. The ability to choose between a hike or the pool is nothing short of amazing. Should we feel guilty for being blessed so? Heck no! But I'll revert back to one of my favorite quotes/scriptures "To whom much is given, much is required." Are we all required to blog about activism? no. Are we all required to give money to charity? no. In fact, none of us is "required" to do anything, but I do believe that we should continue to give in the areas where we can. We all give in our own way whether it be time, prayer, money, social networking, writing, working, connecting. I am convinced that giving of ourselves for the good of the whole is the true path to a fulfilled life. 

Of course we have our daily trials that are validated; troubles with the boss, children acting up, coming up short every month, life changes, never ending laundry. I talk about trials in mothering and never ending laundry as much as the next mama, and I realize that it is possible to still complain/get caught up in these things and be grateful for all of them at the same time. Just because our laundry pile might not carry even a smidgen of importance compared to boy soldiers in Uganda, it is still important for us to connect. We are human and our troubles are all relative. Just because the amount of teens living on the street in America is heartbreaking, doesn't mean we don't have a right to get overwhelmed with our day to day lives. It also doesn't mean that we shouldn't soak up all the goodness that is available to us. 

As so many of my posts come back 'round to, it's all about balance. In our society, "good" and "success" too often get's muddled up with material possessions. The fact is anybody, rich or poor, can look up at a clear blue sky, a flower, a small child and be filled with the miraculousness of life. Even when we are 5 loads of laundry behind and we are beside ourselves about he state of the world, we can still stop and remember what a miracle life is. I don't expect to change the world, but that won't stop me from trying.

Moms Rule

Mother's Day is just around the corner.

It's time to celebrate mothers the world over. We nurture, we love, we care. We are connected. We have a voice; a voice that sings our babies lullabies, and whispers sweet hushes into our crying children's ears. This is the same voice that will speak loud to fiercely protect our babies, to stand up for injustice, to fight for our fellow mothers here and abroad.

This Mother's Day honor mothers everywhere by making your voice heard, and send your own mama a cyber shout out!

A bunch of amazing organizations have come together to co-create Mom's Rule, a place where we can pay tribute to our own mothers and make our voices heard, urging our leaders to honor the rights and needs of mothers everywhere.

Once on the Mom's Rule webpage, individuals can upload a photo of their mom/aunt/friend/an image into a Momsaic and say a couple of words about our mom/aunt/friend, send your mom/aunt/grandmother/friend a free e-card and send a message to Pres. Obama to prioritize the lives of mothers and children around the world and commit to fully funding maternal and child health programs.

This takes about one minute, and is such a beautiful thing. You have the choice of three beautiful cards (one of which displays mothers and babes from all over the world) that reads, "In honor of mothers and caregivers everywhere, I am sending a message to world leaders attending the G8 summit in Canada. I am asking for bold leadership to stop the preventable deaths of women and children around the world. For our generation and generations to come, now is the time to act boldly."

While you're over there, check out the amazing organizations that are part of Mom's Rule.

To all mothers everywhere, in spirited partnership!