Lover of thy soul

A stranger to thine eyes

A lover of thy soul

A bind that ever ties

Beyond our mere control

A heart that's infiltrated

Where secrets cannot hide

To be emancipated

To face thy foolish pride

Tears, they streak her cheeks

Full of beauty and of wonder

Touching one who seeks

Repentance for her blunder

Is there such a thing as too much heart?

She asks herself this often

Perhaps she is not being smart

Allowing it to soften

Mother, sister, daughter, friend,

Of all these things is she

These heavy winds, they make her bend

And whisper 'let it be'

Let it be a beautiful mess

Swirling in this heart

Until a path is clear for her

Until she knows her part

Let it be the pain and joy

That dance around together

To a greater purpose

Her consciousness she'll tether

All in all she is part of the all

And wishes to escape naught

With each emotion that will rise and fall

Wisdom will be brought

This life is good and hard at once

At this she is amazed

One minute can be colorless

The next be fully blazed

The heart is here to give and serve

Of this she is convinced

From this she knows she cannot swerve

Even when dreams feel minced

A trust in the greater workings of God

This she knows she'll carry

Fear and pain will come to prod

To God her soul she'll marry

Oh, lover of thy soul!

Oh, stranger to thine eyes!

Beyond our mere control

Is a bind that ever ties.

Boy crazy

Nope, not that kind of boy crazy.

I am the mother of boys. They drive me crazy; crazy with love, crazy with the hilarity that comes out of their mouths, crazy with how much they eat, how messy they are, the wrestling, the sticks, the pee, AH!.... all the boyness. BOYNESS!

I was noticing several things that we boy mamas have to deal with and thought it would be funny to record some of it. Although it makes this mama crazy, I can also sit back and laugh at it. Here goes.

You know you are a mother to boys when.......

1. Everything that could even slightly resemble a weapon becomes one: knitting needles, crochet hooks, chopsticks, sticks, pencils, clothes pins, mallets, drum sticks, and on and on and on. Do I even need to say that all these 'weapons' come with sound effects? Oh....and they usually don't get put back to their original spot unless it's by me, or ordered by me.

2. You could clean your toilet every single day and your bathroom will still smell like pee.

3. Wrestling is, like, a 5+ times a day activity, and often times ends with little one crying.

4. You have karate masters even if they may have never taken karate in their lives.

5. Finding sticks in your house and car despite the 'sticks stay outside' rule does not surprise you one bit.

6. You cannot keep enough food in the house to keep up with their appetites and they cannot seem to keep food off the floor while eating.

7. Bath time is often met with resistance, and smelling bad doesn't seem to bother them.

8. All the clothes you neatly put away in their room are suddenly all over the floor after they have dressed themselves. Likewise, dirty clothes can't seem to find their way to the hamper, no matter how many reminders you have given them.

9. Teasing is like a sport that they each like to dish out, accompanied by hilarious laughter while the other is crying and/or whining, but that when on the receiving end handle it with physical violence or a "mooooooooooooooooom!.....so and so is doing such and such"

10. You are tired of the sound of your own voice saying things such as "skateboards outside!"..."I asked you 3 times already to put the dishes away!"..."wash your hands"......"Now you can sweep up all those chips"..... "My knitting yarn is not supposed to be used for that!"...."That is not how you talk to your mother".....and on, and on, and on, and on....

I love these boys and wouldn't trade 'em for anything. AND they drive me bananas.

Letting go

As this year draws to a close, I look back on it with pure amazement. It has entailed a lot of letting go, which is good. Hard, but good. It seems the ultimate goal in this life is to be able to detach ourselves from the expectations of things being a certain way; letting go and finding the joy in each moment despite the suffering that is also always there. Life is fluid; always changing. 2011 has held plenty of opportunity in the 'letting go' department, and it doesn't seem to be waning. While I do hope this next year isn't quite as intense on my heart, I expect letting go to be a lesson that visits me throughout my life.

This past year started with the release of my marriage. We had been respectful, good partners to each other who unfortunately never had what it takes to thrive....shared passion. While the dissolution of our family unit was sad for us all, it has been validating that we made the right move. It was a long time coming, so to finally walk through that fire has been healing for the both of us. I have faith that good things will come in to replace that which I release. I'm not sure what state I would be in now if it weren't for that faith.

Our spring was hard. The boys were missing their dad being here with us, I was battling all sorts of feelings about his rapid jumping into another relationship; feelings surrounding how I felt about it and how it was affecting my kids. I was deciding whether or not I would relocate back to MN to be near family, and it was such a relief to be done with school in June and hit the road.

After my separation, I started to become re inspired by things I had let go of for the sake of practicality and compromise. I was able to travel to Zimbabwe, a land long ago laid on my heart. This experience was all I had hoped for and opened me up to what is possible for me. It was the first time I had left my kids for more than a couple days. They did fine between their father and grandparents and it was good for me to be independent of them....something that until this year was so rare. Since becoming a mother at 20, I heavily identified myself as that, which is great, except I forgot that I was more. Looking to my future, I know I must be careful to balance that mothering piece as I plan to return to school, travel, and potentially relocate.

The fall found us back in Colorado, after a summer of traveling adventures. I started another school year teaching preschool and my kids are with their same classes. We have found healing in our new family dynamic and are making due with a financial crisis that struck with their dad losing his job in July. There are many unknowns for us and I continue to focus on what opportunities may arise out of these losses.

Finding myself back in the dating world has been fun and exciting and disappointing and depressing. Ha! Sounds about right, yes? I didn't date at all, really, before I met my husband at 19, so it's all new to me. At 31, I have more of a  handle on who I am, only now I come with two kids and somewhat unstable circumstances! My love life has been so limited, so I have welcomed these few new experiences with the hope that it won't take me many before finding someone I can grow together with. I have already had some heartache and questioning of myself, but with matters of love I believe that is somewhat unavoidable. Yes, more lessons in letting go, some easier than others.

This next year approaches with plans to keep taking classes, teaching dance, collaborating with other local entertainers to put on a kids for kids fundraiser for Zimbabwe, going back to Zimbabwe over the summer, and hopes that I can go back to school full time next fall. I have to realize, though, that these are just my plans and I must continue to let go of what doesn't work, find the lessons in it, and keep moving forward.

So many changes are on my horizon. So much letting go that still needs to happen and I know it isn't, and won't be, easy, but will reap great rewards and not take from the value of what was. I leave you with this lovely quote and many blessings for a bright new year!

There's a trick to the Graceful Exit.
It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage,
a relationship is over - and to let go.
It means leaving what's over without denying its value.
- Ellen Goodman

The Light

I close my eyes, even though I cannot sleep. Self sabotaging thoughts creep in as I compare myself to others who are moving in a direction I would like to see myself moving in, but have yet to manifest. I know better than to go there, yet even with my conviction of love and heart and soul trumping all else, there are times that fear and insecurity settle in and rock my boat. I figure it is all a part of this process, and all I can do is continue to transcend it each time it comes up for me.

Instead of feeding these thoughts or talking myself into more positive ones, I just release them all. I close my eyes in an attempt to sleep, and instead a meditative state washes over me. There is a light, a tiny ball of light, that is there in the middle of my forehead. It grows until my body is full of this bright white light, until I am dissolved within it. It becomes all that exists; it is all that exists. All other things fall away: ego, body, emotions, attachments. Serenity and Unity are the names I can give this state of being, although words cannot do it justice. I imagine this is why people meditate, for this result. It is here that I know truth; that I feel peace. I wish to visit here often ;) While this is something I know in my core to be available to us all, it has only been a handful of times I have experienced it; where I can feel the oneness. It is truly incredible, and makes all those worrisome thoughts seem a total waste of time and energy.

Today is the shortest day of the year. Darkness and cold have peaked as a reminder for us to find that light within; that light that is connected to the Source and ever present within each one of us. Today I will set my intentions to grow with the waxing light of the sun. I wish to walk fearlessly in the light. I wish to see that light within every being, and to nurture it. I wish to be nonresistant when the universe shows me it's time to let go of something, as well as brave enough to embrace the opportunities that come my way. I wish to be unwavering in my faith in the greater workings of God, while using the gifts I have been given to continue to propel myself. I wish for this light to shine out of my eyes, my smile, and to pour out of my energy field, spreading like wildfire! I wish for us to mirror it in each other. May we always be able to access love and light, and share it with those around us.

The Most Precious Mirror

He dawdles....waiting until the last minute to do whatever it is he needs to be doing.

A dreamer, for sure, who can often be found living in another world in his mind.

A heart so big it hurts, compassion comes naturally to him.

He once stayed silent for 24 hours, and raised $100 for an organization raising awareness and funds toward ending the use of child soldiers in central Africa.

Another time, he went on and on and on about how he felt sorry 

for this teenager on Youtube,

who was trying to rap, and who sucked at it, and had gotten several 'thumbs down.'

He felt that perhaps the negative feedback would stifle the boys dreams 

of becoming a rapper,

and he was tormented over it, begging me to give a 'thumbs up.' 

He is sensitive to what others think of him, with feelings that are easily hurt. 

A melancholic soul, all too aware of the suffering in the world,

and a desire to put forth good deeds. 

He gave me some of his birthday money to send to Zimbabwe for school fees.

His plans and dreams are perhaps bigger than what seems realistic,

but it doesn't stop him from planning and dreaming.

His adventurous side can keep up with my own, and he is open to living abroad.

He is kind and gentle with children and elders.

He will shake your hand and look you in the eye when he meets you.

His teacher just told me of his natural ability to write. 

He can be hasty, doing a quick job over a good job. 

He is musically inclined, and can often play something by ear.

He is family oriented and relishes in spending time with extended familia.

He revels in the simple everyday miracles that nature provides,

often exclaiming how beautiful something is, 

like a sunset, or a garden, or a sweet newborn baby.

I am floored at the ways his spirit reflects my own 

and sometimes, especially when his behavior is driving me mad, 

I realize it is a mirror of my self,

I just have to laugh out loud. 

Elijah-what a gift he is to me and all those who are blessed to know him.

Six word Friday-Focus

Focus: admittedly not my strong suit.

Inspiration and passion are always there, 

Yet it is focus that wraps

Them into something tangible; dreams realized.

Obstacles threaten to thwart me, and

Sometimes it works, I get thwarted, 

Doing what I feel I must,

Rather than following this heart; trusting.

I am fluid, like a river,

Attempting to flow with a path

That seems laid out for me,

There are gifts in this fluidity;

Going with the flow, remaining open.

However, there is burning inside me,

A need to focus these energies,

A need to make them reality.

This is my time on earth,

And I have some big plans!

I continue to 'act as if'

Until I am supported at large

By the greater forces at work!

(More six word poems-go here)

burning

"It is burning of the heart I want; this burning which is everything, more precious than a worldly empire..." -Rumi

Passionate flames engulf this heart of mine.

Inspiration burns me up, making me want to sing praises!

Peace work/studies, Africa, dance, music, writing, connections, common threads,

Yes!-open the pathways for me to further evolve and explore!

Fear threatens to damper, and makes its visits, 

But Love overcomes. 

Faith overcomes.

 I can choose to overcome.

That never ceases to amaze me.

Joy, Love, Beauty-always at our fingertips.

Blessed are we!

War, greed, injustice, suffering,

Also have me burning.

Complacency, apathy, ignorance, and hatred

Can make me want to scream out loud.

Some are barely surviving, 

While others live with such unnecessary extravagance.

We murder, starve, steal from and humiliate one another. 

No human should have the right to do such things to another human.

Period.

Yet, our history is rampant with such things,

From the colonization of so many countries,

To the raping of all said countries resources,

The shaming of indigenous culture,

Exploitation taking from livelihoods that were once vibrant. 

This is happening still today

And it makes me want to plant my feet

Sturdy on the earth, and say

"NO!...this is not what we were made for.

We are loving beings, 

Capable of great things!"

I am burning for us to view each human

Through a compassionate lens,

To know that each human feels what we feel,

To see that the most evil of us,

Are often the most wounded of us.

I am burning for us all to put 

The kind of work into the world

That sets our hearts on fire. 

We have purpose.

God-given purpose. 

May these burning feelings in me

And in You,

Shed a warm glow,

A light,

Into the world!