"Security"

The house is quiet. My boys are with their father for the weekend. Outside, the sky is grey and heavy and here I sit, still in bed with my laptop, letting these thoughts pour from my head and heart out of my fingertips onto this page, where they will eventually be read by you. These days my thoughts are largely centered around letting go, trusting, manifesting, and following my heart even though the outside noise threatens to damper what I know is right for me.

You see, in the past year I have been pushed to let go of the main areas in life that gave me physical security: my marriage, financial support (from said marriage), and now my home. I am planning to let go of my job teaching preschool (or at least go to part time teaching) to return to school. As it stands now, I don't know where this will lead my boys and I. I have a few ideas and I will act toward them and see which path the good Lord opens for me, but I know that none of them will be easy, as each path involves major changes for us. A move is bound to happen, which is exciting, but also scary and sad. We have lived in this house for 10 years. My younger son was born here. We have built a life here. My children's father is set up in this valley and my kids have grown up here and attended their same school all their lives. They have a good life, but does change mean that they won't? Things will look different, and no doubt it will be hard, but I trust that these experiences will contribute to the amazing adults they will become.

This sense of security I cannot let keep me stagnant if the universe is pushing me to expand. I think that we can mistake comfort for security. Extending beyond our comfort zone is so hard, but I have reaped the rewards of it and I trust my children will too. There is simply no way of avoiding the grief that accompanies letting go of something. Most of us try to avoid that and shelter our children from it. Of course I do not like feeling grief, but I am unafraid of it. I realize it is a natural part of life, and brings gifts of growth, wisdom. The beautiful thing is that when we let go of something, we make room for something else, often times something better and more fulfilling.

I realize that I am a mother to these amazing boys who need security and stability, but security and stability can look different than our mainstream way of thinking about it. My children have two parents that love them and want what's best for them. I also want to show them what it looks like to follow their passions, push beyond fear, and forge ahead with full faith that God will lead us where we need to be......and that may not look like a normal American lifestyle! Who says following my heart will not be what is best for my children? We have this idea that parenting is only about sacrifice. While it's true that we do, and should, sacrifice for our children, it does not mean that following one's heart has to be made into a selfish decision. What better gift to give our children, but to show them the meaning of faith by fearlessly following one's passion?

How is it that we were raised to revere figures such as Jesus Christ, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr., etc., yet when it comes to actually following the footsteps of these radical social change makers, we are discouraged? Fear gets in the way and we cannot fathom one giving away everything to serve the poor, or speaking out against injustice even if it means putting one's life at risk. I'm not saying that either of these are my path now, while I have young boys, but it is this kind of thinking, this kind of throwing it all to the wind to follow God's call that I want to be the focus of my life. This is the best gift I can give my children, this faith that what God calls us to cannot lead us wrong. How I wish those who love me could share that faith, and instead focus on the love rather than fear. I wish I, myself, could constantly maintain that faith and trust. I will continue to call on it, pray for it, until it covers me.

Until then, I will ebb and flow with the uncertainty that is my life at the moment. There will be times where I am overcome with grief to let this chapter of my life slip away, and more often, there will be times where I am looking to the future with bright hopes of fulfilling my dreams. I will trust that the path I choose will also be what is best for my children. I will continue to look for the everyday miracles that surround me at any moment. Life is good, and hard, and scary, and beautiful, and, and, and......