I sit here in front of the blank screen and it feels like an old friend that I haven't talked to in months. Numerous times each day, I am struck with beautiful inspiration, yet the motivation to get it out of my head and heart onto "paper" has lacked. I have many excuses, the biggest one being that I am in the middle of moving out of the house we have lived in for 10 years, and relocating myself and two sons to Boulder (3 hours from their father and where we now live), but the truth is I'm just not making the time to write. I should be able to say I'm so busy packing, but really, I've spent more time on the front porch swing, listening to reggae or playing my mbira, than I have packing;) I find myself wanting to be distracted, and I catch myself in this cycle of procrastination that will eventually bite me right in the ass, but hey, it's how I roll. My laid back personality is a gift in that I don't get uptight about much, but the downfall is not always being on top of things. I have become remarkably more flakey these past months, but I'm blessed that most of my friends and family understand.
My house is in foreclosure and I'm both grieving it and embracing the opportunity to move ahead. Those of you who know me personally, or have been around my blog much, know some of my dreams and struggles. It has long been my dream to return to school for peace work/conflict resolution and my heart was set on Naropa University. Had I not gotten divorced and lost my home, I'm not sure I would have made the steps I did to get an almost full scholarship to attend the Peace Studies program at Naropa this fall! I've also come to a plateau here in my study of African dance and music, and for this I am so, so, so excited to relocate to Boulder!
However, this is also scary and sad for us. My boys, who have only known Waldorf education, will be switching schools. E will go from a 5th grade of 15 kids to a 6th grade of 200 kids. J will not get the opportunity to experience Waldorf education like his brother did. We will be in a bigger city, and they are saying good bye to all their friends. The hardest change of all is that they will spend a fraction of the time with their father that they do now. There is no doubt that these changes will bring many gifts and will do beautiful things for the development of our character, but there is just no way around the grief of letting go of all that we've created and loved here.
I can see how getting divorced and losing the house has opened up huge doors for me. I sit here completely in awe of how my intentions and prayers are coming to fruition. It feels right. I am on this path exactly where I am meant to be, and I am fully embracing it, but it doesn't mean it's not hard. I am letting go of a home I created for my family for a decade. I let go of a ten year marriage. I am choosing to take on more responsibility as a single mother by moving my children 3 hours from their father, as well as uprooting them from the familiarity of their school and friends. As a strong member of this community, I am so held here; I will be starting over. I am like a tiny bird, preparing to fly from the safety of this warm nest, held in this secure tree, and make a new one.
I come back, again and again, to looking at grief as a natural part of our existence as human beings. We have to let go of things to make room for other things. This keeps us growing and changing and chasing our dreams. However, we are conditioned to chase the good stuff while pushing away the hard parts. We let our attachments and comfort prevent us from making change. I asked for those obstacles to be removed for me, and here we are folks!
Grief and joy will do their dance in my heart, and I will embrace it all, and hopefully I'll make the time to document my journey here and there in this space.
Blessings on your summer!